More the paper, cleaner the ass

Damn, I cannot use iTunes to manufacture missiles or biological weapons!

I have a confession to make. I had a long standing dream of designing and making weapons of mass destruction using a music software on my laptop. In order to achieve my dream, I downloaded a free copy of iTunes software. But guess what, Apple won’t let me reach my goal…

These are real screenshots from Apple’s iTunes License Agreement which I was asked to agree to while updating to iTunes v 8.1.1 (Mac). I’m pasting relevant sections of the user agreement that prohibits you from doing certain activities. If you have heard this before, see it yourself. :)

Screen shot 1:
iTunes agreement: Use in nuclear facilities
I can’t run a Nuclear plant or fly a plane using iTunes…

THE APPLE SOFTWARE IS NOT INTENDED FOR USE IN THE OPERATION OF NUCLEAR FACILITIES, AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SYSTEMS, LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES OR OTHER EQUIPMENT IN WHICH THE FAILURE OF THE APPLE SOFTWARE COULD LEAD TO DEATH, PERSONAL INJURY, OR SEVERE PHYSICAL OR ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGE.

(I apologise for the block letters. It’s not me screaming, its Apple itself! I wonder why they need to write in capital letters…)
Since they didn’t mention anything about Trains and Buses, maybe I can drive them using iTunes…

Screen shot 2:
iTunes for chemical and biological weapons
Not allowed to make missiles or nukes….

…you will not use these products for any purposes prohibited by United States law, including, without limitation, the development, design, manufacture or production of missiles, or nuclear, chemical or biological weapons.

Oh fcuk. I have to invent some electronic weapons now…

In the same paragraph, it also says:

…Apple Software may not be exported or re-exported (a) into any U.S. embargoed countries… you represent and warrant that you are not located in any such country or on any such list.

I feel sorry for the Pakis…

Screen shot 3:
Riots, God, non-performance, fluctuations in heat
Riots, God, non-performance, shortage of labor, fluctuations in heat… they all go in one coolest-sentence-ever!

…liable for any delay or failure in performance resulting directly or indirectly from acts of nature, forces, or causes beyond its reasonable control, including, without limitation, Internet failures, computer equipment failures, telecommunication equipment failures, other equipment failures, electrical power failures, strikes, labor disputes, riots, insurrections, civil disturbances, shortages of labor or materials, fires, floods, storms, explosions, acts of God, war, governmental actions, orders of domestic or foreign courts or tribunals, non-performance of third parties, or loss of or fluctuations in heat, light, or air conditioning.

Seriously. Acts of God? hear hear… I always knew Satan was the good guy.

- – -
If your dreams were as visionary and ambitious as mine, I’m sorry to have shattered them…

I guess now I’ll use iTunes for… Music I guess…

PS: For those who have no clue what I am talking about: Apple’s iTunes is the standard software on Mac (now also on Windows) and is used to play music, sync ipod, listen to radio, etc.
Oh the extent to which these corporates go to cover their asses… I suggest they also declare that iTunes cannot be used for pedophilia, sexual molestation, sub-prime mortgages and war of terror.

49 thoughts on “More the paper, cleaner the ass

  1. Legal stuff always includes everything imaginable and unimaginable.

    Why do you use iTunes? I hate its bloat, its sneaky way of installing unwanted additional software on my PC without informing me or asking for my consent, and its sluggish response. 8.1 was marginally faster but still poor in performance.

    • Mahendra, true. I’ve given them more totally unrelated avenues to include in their lisence agreements,lol

      Oh iTunes for Mac is like the Internet Explorer for Windows. It ‘comes’ with the laptop. It is known to run at sluggish speed on Windows and also known to install unwanted software – like Real player did ages ago. But for Mac, it is quite good. It does have some quirks, but once you switch to Apple, you start loving everything thats on it. :)

  2. Very funny indeed. However, sad to say but those are needed since if they did not have those fine print, then someone would come around and actually try to build nuclear equipment using iPods and then hurt themselves. Then, what’s next? A lawsuit!

  3. Lessons I learned from your post –

    1. I am a nuclear scientist.
    2. I have what is called “short term memory lose”, because I have just forgotten where I hid the last bomb I made.
    3. Apple is about to take over the world with thingsthat are not just good looks.
    4. I will start reading license agreements from no on.

  4. Ha..ha..a these warnings and legal stuff are funny most times like on a child’s medicine “It is not advisable to drive after taking this”. I mean have you ever seen a 5 year old driving?

    • LOL Seriously? I haven’t read that. They are taking things to a ridiculous level. Maybe they should write something specific: “It is not advisable to drive an airplane over US airspace after the intake of this drug meant for 5 year olds.”

  5. Pingback: iTunes and Weapons of Mass Destruction at Blogbharti

  6. haha that’s hilarious, very apt title too! shows to what extent companies go to eh! must be a fun job though, to come up with such detailed (!!!) statements 8)

  7. @ Mahindra : iTunes is not bulky on a Mac.

    @ Priyank : Of course they would include everything on heaven, earth and beyond in that crazy country called the United States where you can be sued for anything on heaven, earth and beyond. I love that phrase “Acts of God”, I often use it in my professional writing. It covers almost everything….

  8. Hey Priyank you crack me up, lol, btw who in the world reads those disclaimers anyway, just you, lol…..you are so so funny, I guess everything to cover their asses, lol…..oh you made my evening, I should go sleep now….Anna :)

    • Hi Anna, Yes, hehehe, I happened to look at a few words while I was scrolling down to click the “I agree” button… and it was so interesting, that I read more! :) Wow you really stay up late, its almost 2 am!

  9. Real creativity , :-)
    if not nuclear weapons make nuke electricity
    u will get a post in the congress party for sure !

    in hindsight id rather use the bidet !

    (ie winamp with mp3boy)

  10. Very interesting read ;-)

    But I guess this legal agreement goes for all the S/W manufactured by Apple. In which case it might make sense :-D. Copy + paste … you know ;-)

    PS : Whats with this security code… did u have spam comments?

    • Oh now I am eager to read agreements for other Apple products too (to check if this is copypasted)…!

      And yeah I had lots n lots of spam. It usually went to the spam filter, but caused a drag on my website. So as a temporary measure I put the security code system. What do you think?

  11. Are you kidding??? This is hilarious!

    I guess I should read user-agreements more often!

    So the only thing I can do with Itunes is play music, podcast and video? That sucks! :lol:

  12. Thanks for asking my opinion ;-)

    I guess no user in particular is fan of them but then its a necessary evil. If it has helped you then you need to keep it. (These would be responsible for my contact lenses one day :-()

  13. Thanks for asking ;-)

    I guess no user in particular would like to fill them but they are necessary evil nowdays. If it has helped u reducing spam…than… leave as it is.

    (It would cost you my contact lenses when I post 1000th comment)

  14. LOL. Hey, do read the very fine print too that says::P

    Warranty does not cover normal wear and tear, tsunami, hurricane, meteorite strike, radiation from nuclear blasts, and snow blizzards of Toronto. And if, for any reason,the iTune cannot be used to play music, sync ipod, listen to radio, etc., then Apple cannot be held responsible. If problem persists, consult your radiologist.

  15. Nix on nukes and acts of god? Tempting fate aren’t they? =) Banned the two biggest (or most powerful) universal exports.

  16. fyi…force majeure clauses (aka acts of God) are included in form or another in the terms and conditions of most companies. also, though ive never seen a company actually spell out the stuff about the nukes, etc, most companies imbed that in their contract in the form of requisite compliance to all applicable laws, including the foreign corrupt practices act (FCPA), and international trade in arms regulations (ITAR) which would cover some of the things that were spelled out in Apple’s terms and conditions. so even though it reads pretty funny, basically apple is just trying to disclaim as much as they can so they dont get dragged into court over something one of their users did with their product. what a crazy world we live in, eh?

    • Hi Sean,
      Welcome to my blog and thanks for the message! It’s indeed sad to see the extents companies need to go to cover themselves. There’s no end to it really!

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